The Hidden Village of Aspergers

March 16, 2014

Numb The Doubt

I’m not here to impress
I just want you to confess
I’m not here to confide
I just want to watch you die

I should probably slap a disclaimer on this post. Here goes: I’m not endorsing drug use. I’m not saying, “Wow, drugs are awesome and everyone on the spectrum should do them.” I’m just talking about my own experiences here. If you’re anti-drugs, you might not want to read this.

I used to be very, very anti-drugs as a kid. When I found out that my best friend from primary school had done Ecstasy, I yelled at her down the phone and told her she was stupid and that she could die. I’d seen a film on Leah Betts when I was in Year 7 and cried my eyes out, swearing I’d never touch Ecstasy. I look back and cringe now. Luckily, my friend forgave me. However, it all changed when I got older and became more curious as to what I was missing out on. Most of what I knew about drugs came from music magazines.  It was the same mentality that drove me to try to hook up with men in clubs. Friends of mine were starting to do drugs, and I felt left out. I do not like feeling left out. I felt, perhaps rather stupidly, that doing drugs would make me more ‘normal’. I was still getting over the idea I’d internalised from high school that I was an uncool, goody-two-shoes freak. I had something to prove.

It wasn’t until I got to university that I did anything stronger than weed. I refuse to touch acid, heroin or crack, but I have taken speed, MDMA, mushrooms and cocaine, sniffed amyl nitrate, and smoked weed. Most of the people I hung out with in Sixth Form smoked it at parties, and I had my first spliff when I was about 16 or so. It’s never really had that much of an effect on me, except on a few occasions, such as when I smoked some very strong grass in Germany and had a fit of the giggles all night. During my first two years at uni, I occasionally did mushrooms (they were legal back then, and you could buy them in Doctor Hermans). I’m not going to lie: the first time I did them, it was great. I saw people turning into trees, and I remember giggling a lot. Another time, I took them at a Nightwish gig and thought I was on a pirate ship. Sometimes I wonder if they contributed to the depression, but then it runs in my mother’s family, so knowing my luck, it was likely I was going to end up that way anyway. Coke, I didn’t particularly like; it hurt my nose. I did enjoy MDMA, though I only did it a few times. I didn’t want to get addicted because I didn’t want the novelty to wear off. I’m not going to go into detail as to the effect it had on me, except to say that my boyfriend at the time was pleasantly surprised. However, that was a long time ago, and it was something I got out of my system. Again: it wasn’t a regular habit, it was just something I occasionally did at parties and nights out. It’s also not something I could afford to do now, for the sake of my mental health.

Nowadays, the only drug I take regularly is Venlafaxine. I barely go out, due to a combination of tiredness, working in the evenings and not having many people to go out with, and I think the last time I did anything besides weed was at least six years ago. I doubt I’d ever do any drugs again, save for having the odd spliff. It would be too risky for me and I’d worry about the effect of my mental health. Whether you decide to do them or not, it’s your choice. I know at least one person on the autistic spectrum who does drugs; I also know some who prefer not to. Everyone’s experience with Aspergers is different; some people will be more negatively affected by drugs than others. If you are going to do them, I’d give you three pointers:

1. Go on Erowid and read up on whatever you plan to take. It’s a fantastic site for educating yourself about the effects of various drugs. When I was going to take mushrooms for the first time, I read up on the best circumstances in which to take them, possible effects etc. I made sure I was in a good mood, so that they wouldn’t enhance any negative emotions, made sure not to take them. Bluelight and Drugs Forum are also worth looking into, especially if you’re planning on taking a ‘legal high’ or a relatively unknown drug.

2. Get them off people you know and trust. Emphasis on trust. Whenever I’ve done anything stronger than weed, it has been given to me by a trusted friend. I have been offered drugs in the streets by random dealers a couple of times, but refused to buy them because I didn’t know what I was getting. For all I knew, they could have been pushing aspirin or tablets cut with something dodgy.

3. Make sure you’re with people you know and/or somewhere familiar. As I said on the festivals post, I’d personally advise against doing them at music festivals, especially if they’re as massive as Glastonbury, if you’re on your own and/or you’re nervous in crowds. If you’re nervous in unfamiliar surroundings, it could negatively impact you, and if things go wrong, it helps to have someone there to look after you. When I did shrooms for the first time, I was with Paul and Jilly, a couple of friends of mine, at a metal night in Chester, and other times I’ve been with friends or people from the Rock Soc at Manchester University. I was lucky and nothing went horribly wrong, but it was good to have a safety net.


  1. […] Ever Met: on books and the imaginary world 15. Bastard Me Bastard You: unwanted attention from men 16. Numb The Doubt: on drugs 17. Everybody In The Madhouse: primary school 18. Diary Of A Wimp: obsessive behaviour 19. Gravity: […]

    Pingback by An announcement | The Hidden Village of Aspergers — March 16, 2014 @ 8:37 pm | Reply

  2. I think it’s also important to say that if you’re taking a legal high or a relatively unknown drug, Erowid will be less helpful and you need to check out places like Bluelight and Drugs-forum, where the more “scientific” drug users try out different doses, polyuses, methods of administration etc. Just because something is legal doesn’t mean it can’t mess you up and you still need to make sure you do your research,

    Comment by Sarah — March 17, 2014 @ 1:09 am | Reply

    • Thanks, I forgot about legal highs! I’ll put that in the post.

      Comment by kankurette — March 17, 2014 @ 8:31 am | Reply

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