The Hidden Village of Aspergers

March 8, 2014

Blow Your Cover

From A to B, you pressured me
I’m everything that you want me to be
But all I ever wanted was your carnal knowledge

One thing people at school used to make fun of me for was being a virgin. Even back in Year 7, when I was only twelve, people would take the piss out of me for not having had sex yet. One girl suggested I do ‘Like A Virgin’ for the school karaoke contest. When I turned seventeen, I was desperate to lose my virginity. I felt I had to fit in by having sex with people and that if I didn’t have sex, I wasn’t normal. Please understand – this is only in my own head, and I mean no disrespect to asexuals, or people who lost their virginity late. Some people I know didn’t lose theirs until they were in their twenties. I just had this idea that sex was the be-all and end-all, not helped by all the girls’ magazines I read with articles about sexual positions. I felt I had to have it in order to become normal.

I was seventeen when I lost my virginity. It was in the women’s toilets on the second floor of the Krazyhouse in Liverpool, with a random man I’d just met called Dave. I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me, he said yes, and the next thing I knew, I was straddling him on a toilet. It lasted about fifteen minutes and wasn’t that great, to be honest. It was also unprotected. Luckily, my best mate at the time, R – more on him later – took me to get the morning after pill the next day. My mum later found the booklet and after I confessed it was mine, she went mad and took me to an STD clinic to get tested. Luckily, I had nothing wrong with me.

I don’t know exactly how it happened, but one night I was over at R’s house – his parents were away – and we ended up going to his bedroom, and I stripped off and he lay on top of me. A week or so later, he came round to my house and I gave him a blow job. Eventually we settled into a pattern where we’d go up to my room and put music on and I’d give him head, and then on my 18th birthday, we had full sex for the first time. It hurt. The second time I had sex with him, I cried because the pain was so intense. About the fourth or fifth time, though, it was great. He taught me a lot and he is, to paraphrase Kurt Cobain, the best fuck I ever had. Thus began my first sexual relationship, although it was entirely casual. I was in love with R, but he didn’t love me back. He was also the first man I ever obsessed over, with two more to come.

R always used protection; I wasn’t his first, and he knew I was scared of getting pregnant. We carried on for six months, with me going home with him after school on Fridays, or him coming over to mine. For some reason, he was worried about my parents finding out. Sure enough, I had to go to the toilet and my mum came in, and as R and I had been having sex, I put a dressing gown on. Mum later asked me why I’d been wearing a dressing gown in the afternoon and what I was doing with R, and I broke down and told her. She didn’t hit the roof, but she did warn me to be careful and not to get too attached. Getting too attached was my greatest flaw. In November 2002, R said he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I cried and called him a fucking bastard, but we did eventually make up and stayed friends after that.

I had four sexual relationships after that, as well as a one-night stand in 2003 with a guy who lived in my halls. Firstly with Pete, a guy I’d met in a club through my mate Paul, and a rebound after R and I split; then with Owen, who I met at a house party during my first year at uni, for two weeks; then a casual relationship with a guy called Danny, who I met through Rock Soc; and then my first serious relationship, with J, which lasted three years. There wasn’t much sex. Depression can do things to your sex drive. I still beat myself up for not being a ‘proper’ queer because I didn’t have sex with the woman I was going out with back in 2005. I was on Sertraline and it killed my sex drive, and that was one of the reasons why we split.

I’m going through a fallow period now. I haven’t had sex since 2008 and I still get those old pangs when I read about my friends’ sex lives. I feel like a freak and that I’m missing out and that I’m not ‘normal’ if I’m not having sex, which is stupid. I’ve considered dating random people off the internet, but the shyness and lack of confidence holds me back. I like sex, not gonna lie, and it bothers me that some people seem to see me as a weird sexless creature. I’m not. Funnily enough, I always believed I’d be a virgin forever, as no-one would want to fuck me, but I was wrong there.

By the way, the lyrics above apply more to me than R. He never pressured me into doing anything I didn’t want to – he did want me to do anal, but I refused because I was scared of the pain. He was a considerate lover. Now he’s married to a beautiful Iranian woman and living in Newcastle. I bear no grudges; he was a great friend to me as a well as a sexual partner, and he helped me a lot through school. He was the Ino Yamanaka to my Sakura Haruno, to use a Naruto analogy.


  1. […] in with other girls 5. No One Understands: the diagnosis 6. Dark Clouds: memories of Barcelona 7. Blow Your Cover: first sexual relationship 8. Influenza: getting ME 9. Life Of A Miser: managing money and other household things 10. Avenging […]

    Pingback by An announcement | The Hidden Village of Aspergers — March 8, 2014 @ 11:04 am | Reply

  2. i am very very impressed about your blog,BLOW YOUR COVER ,very very well done sex.puberty virginity very rare subjects ware aspergers is .I HAVE TAKEN PART IN 2 SEX REASERCH So is so effecting with having aspergers .

    i am a father i have aspergers so i am so aware .you are very open about so well done .YOU TALKING WILL HELP LOT OF OTHERS .

    if you would like chat my e.mail

    i can understand YOUR MUM .what would you have done if you was exspecting

    and YOU HAVE ASPERGERS.very well done to your mum

    mark________________________________ > Date: Sat, 8 Mar 2014 11:00:26 +0000 > To: >

    Comment by Mark kent — March 9, 2014 @ 10:51 am | Reply

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